COUPLE VISION - Carol Ummel Lindquist, Ph.D.

Tips for Avoiding Affairs

2011-09-16T12:33:00.000-07:00

No one knows of any surefire formulas for preventing affairs. Most people are tempted at some time. Marriages can recover from affairs, but avoiding them in the first place is much less painful. To recover from an affair, you must understand what happened, what the affair partner was thinking to allow the affair to occur, and what each of you can now bring to the marriage that will improve it and prevent this from occurring again.

Tips for Preventing and Healing After Affairs

• If you have an affair, see a therapist right away. Many couples survive infidelity.

• Discuss with your partner what he thinks he would do if he or she ever felt like having an affair. Tell him you would like the two of you to talk about it.

• Discuss and set guidelines together about what is appropriate and comfortable with regard to time spent with other people both at work and socially.

• Openly discuss affairs and possible affairs and your comfort with your partner’s behavior with people outside the marriage.

• Nothing you can do absolutely guarantees that your partner won’t have an affair, so don’t worry, make a strong marriage and enjoy the life you have.

Review: Siblings Without Rivalry

2011-08-15T11:45:00.000-07:00

Siblings Without Rivalry
By Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too.
I have loved this book for years and recommend to my clients often. It brilliantly describes how to handle sibling rivalry but also encourages you to examine your own sibling rivalry issues that may affect your interactions with your children. Very illuminating, but easy to read. Like talking to a bright, articulate friend. To order click on book cover or here: Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

Review: The Wealthy Spirit

2011-06-19T15:48:00.000-07:00

By Chellie Campbell

This is a fabulous book. Chellie is an amazing story teller with great practical lessons.

I loved learning about sharks, dolphins and tunas. Goodbye tunas! Hello, richest man in Babylon. This book set me free to take action.

I am a clinical psychologist who specializes in high conflict couples and couples with young children. I have always had my own psychological issues about money probably because my dad often joked when I was in my teens that if it weren’t for his four lovely daughters, he would be a millionaire by then. When I confronted infertility in my 20′s, I felt I ashamed like I should be a millionaire already because we didn’t have kids.

As a result I had read a ton of books about money: personal finance, (don’t-buy-lattes-daily books), biographies of successful financiers, books on financial planning, the stock market, teaching kids about money and books on one’s deep psychological issues about money. This book is different.

This book finally cured my money issues. I became happy and stress free about money in my life. I couldn’t believe it. It even made me a better therapist.

Chellie not only gets the solid practical aspects of personal money management, she gets the psychological aspect of truly permanent attitude change about money with affirmations and stories. And her stories stick. Her book’s page-a-day format works great with my clients who don’t like to read or feel just plain too busy.

I read this book 7 years ago and it keeps on giving. My finances have never been better and more importantly my husband who had different big money issues than mine can now talk with me about money without feeling shame.

Recently, I finished Chellie’s Financial Stress Reduction workshop. The time was well spent as I got a lot more insight and handy tools for helping us make better financial decisions and make money stress free in our life. To purchase this book, click on the cover above or click here Wealthy Spirit

Review: Rich Dad's Conspiracy of the Rich

2010-08-30T07:38:00.000-07:00

By Robert T. Kiyosaki
Clearest, Simplest Explanation of Money and Finance for the Lay Person I Have Ever Seen

I have read a lot of Robert Kiyosaki’s books and this one, in particular, does a great job of consolidating, condensing and covering much of his familiar material and relating it directly to the present economic situation. In fact, I would say his presentation of money and finance for the lay person is the simplest one I have ever seen. And his understanding and explanation of basic financial rules is excellent.

As a clinical psychologist, I find that this book—or any of Kiyosaki’s books—is very valuable for couples where one person really doesn’t understand investing or saving and another comes from a family where there is a lot of investment and saving and understands it well. Kiyosaki summarizes the tax system and tax consequences of different kinds of working situations. This information is also covered in previous books, but here again, the author has managed to present it in the clearest and simplest of terms.

Many couples continue to struggle with different financial philosophies without an awareness of the big picture. So it is very important for families to learn what he is talking about and to understand and consciously select which one of Kiyosaki’s four styles of approaching income and wealth that best suits them.

He wrote the book online and it includes comments from readers, giving it a very interactive quality. To be perfectly honest, most editors would probably cringe at his writing style. He is very repetitive in the way a good teacher is very repetitive. Some people find that frustrating. But if the contents are new to you, you will find the repetition helpful to give you a deeper level of clarity on the first reading. In other words, the redundancy may be irritating or annoying for anyone who likes well-written books. On the other hand, the way this author brings complex material to the average person with crystal clarity is amazing! To purchase the book, click on book cover at top left, or on this link: Rich Dad's Conspiracy of the Rich: The 8 New Rules of Money

Review: Positive Discipline

2010-07-19T16:20:00.000-07:00

I can assure you -- Jane Nelsen is the Real Deal
By Jane Nelsen
In my practice as a clinical psychologist, I’ve been recommending Jane Nelsen’s book for 20 years now and I can assure you – she’s the real deal.

Nelsen teaches parents how to use good discipline that teaches kids and helps them grow – it’s not just punishment. She espouses discipline that teaches. Using her techniques, the child is constantly learning and growing. Her key to discipline is that it is based on mutual respect – not punishment.

By creating mutual respect, your kids want to hear your opinion and advice. They are curious about it. Nelsen also focuses on how to let kids have control over some of their decisions and letting them experience consequences.

Positive Discipline is the main book that outlines the key principle. Other books in the series, such as Positive Discipline for Teen Agers and Positive Discipline for Toddlers, are extremely on point about the practical day-to-day dealings that you have with the child at the age that each particular book focuses on.

Her books keep getting updated and republished because they are practical and very loving. I just can’t recommend Jane Nelsen highly enough … and the whole series. Click here or on Book Cover to order Positive Discipline

Review: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

2010-07-08T14:15:00.000-07:00

This is a book that really helps people to change the way they approach their kids.
By Elaine Mazlish
This book is a classic, a real gem. I first discovered Elaine Mazlish when my sons were three and four. My mother-in-law, who raised five sons herself, used to watch my kids once a week when they were small. We both read it and loved it. And then we would both re-read it whenever we started drifting off course and going back to our old bad habits.

I gave my sister a copy. She posted the reminder cartoons (great cartoons, by the way) and chapter summaries on her bathroom mirror. Her friends kept taking the copies so she had to keep re-copying the summaries!

Twenty years later, I still give the book away regularly to my clients. It’s a book that really helps people to change the way they approach their kids. I have used it with people who were child abuse survivors and as a result have had no parenting models. They all love it, too because it really helps them change.

Twenty years later, the one thing most people say about my two sons—who are very different in almost every way—is how polite and respectful they are to people. My mother-in-law and I attribute it to this book.

Early on, I discovered that Elaine Mazlish's book works on husbands, too! My husband is a better listener as a result of the techniques that I learned from this book. With enduring value and no updates needed, this book is a classic. It is part of a series, by the way, and each book in the series is just as wonderful as this one!

REVIEW: The Sex-Starved Wife

2010-06-18T08:05:00.000-07:00

Many women have a higher sex drive than their husbands and this book provides great therapy for those facing this situation.

By Michele Weiner Davis

For certain clients this book is a lifesaver. Many women—some say up to one third—have a higher sex drive than their husbands and are very uncomfortable talking to other people about this. It doesn’t rise to the level of something you go to therapy about; plus you worry that it will embarrass your husband.

Reading about the subject and especially other people’s stories and all the things that can cause this—both psychologically and physically—provides great therapy for those facing this situation.

Michele Weiner Davis really knows her stuff and she writes about it in a very approachable way. I highly recommend this book and all her books. I think Michele’s work is especially valuable because she gets you to think about your part in the situation. She doesn’t make it just about the husband. Click here or on book cover to order.

REVIEW: How Much is Enough?

2010-05-28T08:12:00.000-07:00

Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible and Respectful Children

By Jean Illsley Clarke, Ph.D.

I’m a clinical psychologist and I love this book. I give it to lots of people and they love this book. Click here or on book cover to order.

I live in a very wealthy community and frequently see what happens when parents over-indulge their children. Many times these kids grow up and can’t finish college; or even worse, they get involved with drugs. They are totally un-motivated and quite often unable to focus on a job

What I particularly like about How Much is Enough? is that it gives information not just on how to avoid financially indulging your children, but also on how to emotionally indulge your children. Often the problem is two-sided. It’s not that the child has been given too many things; it’s also that they have way too much freedom or no rules at all. The author has made it easy for the reader to focus in on the particular issues that they find challenging.

The examples are compelling and easy to understand. Aunts, uncles and grandparents can learn a lot from this book, too. The sooner you “get it” about what is happening in the lives of your children and grandchildren, the better off you are. The author also gives you insight into your own issues, where perhaps you were over- or under-indulged, and how you carry that over to your children.

Because I was so interested in the subject, I did not find this book difficult to read—nor did any of my clients. I would perhaps rename it something short, like: Real Help for Parents. I’d give it five stars!

REVIEW: Happy for No Reason

2010-05-28T07:58:00.000-07:00

7 Steps to Being Happy from the Inside Out
By Marci Shimoff

Recent research indicates that less than 30 percent of people report being deeply happy. Twenty-five percent of Americans and 27 percent of Europeans claim they are depressed. The World Health Organization predicts that by 2020 depression will be second only to heart disease in terms of the global burden of illness. There is a questionnaire in Happy For No Reason, by the way, so that you can see where you stand on the happiness scale.

Given these above-mentioned statistics and as a clinical psychologist, I fell in love with the title of this book instantly, but expected it might be just fluff. I have read many of the well-regarded books on positive psychology like Authentic Happiness and Learned Optimism. While they are lovely books, they pretty much exceed the patience of many clients seeking happiness.

I was delighted that Marci covered material from many of the scientific studies detailed in academic positive psychology without taking people through the more tedious details. Yet for those who like going deeper, she provides many resources. She emphasized some health and physical techniques and Kaizen or baby steps that are so critical for someone who is depressed. I like the way she mixes material from the highest-level research with Eastern techniques. She clearly loves her subject and has explored its many facets.

This book could be called the 21 steps to Happiness for No Reason because each step has three sub items. The structure is a little bit formulaic, but very well organized. The stories about real people help connect the reader and emphasize the points. I have recommended it to clients who have downloaded the guide and then used it between sessions. This book is not a cure for depression, nor does it pretend to be, but it covers all the bases if you want to raise your happiness set point and be happy for no reason—and that’s a good feeling.

REVIEW: Hold Me Tight

2010-05-11T07:07:00.000-07:00

Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
By Sue Johnson
I recommend Hold Me Tight to my therapy clients constantly. My clients say repeatedly, “Our fights are in this book on page….” I have read literally dozens of popular couple and family books over 30 years and this is the best at addressing feelings of closeness, connection and chronic repetitive fights or deadening and withdrawal in the relationship.

Readers connect to the book. Resolving the issues of feeling connected, your partner having your back, feeling alive in your partner’s mind frees a couple to communicate and resolve long-standing issues quickly. Johnson also works with Gay and Lesbian couples, and this book seems to talk to their experience as well.

Often couples fight when they don’t feel their relationship is solid. This book really speaks to clients and is the best explanation of the complicated “attachment issues.” This book brings that concept to life and makes it clear. By illuminating how to go through the seven core conversations, she helps couples move to a happier, more intimate relationship. She debunks the myth that relationships have to grow stale. She is happily married herself and she knows how wonderful a strong connection can be. A few clients find the book challenging to read but still feel that it is explaining something important to them.

I am very familiar with Sue Johnson’s work. She is by far the best clinician writing about and researching marital therapy. Amazingly, her method resolves even very difficult cases in about 12 longish sessions. John Gottman calls her the world’s best marital therapist.

I have watched her do therapy many times on video at workshops and advanced trainings. She is magic, but so far her books have been aimed at professionals and were too complex for even many professionals to understand, let alone clients. This one works!

REVIEW: The Dance of Connection

2010-05-03T07:24:00.000-07:00

How to Talk to Someone When You’re Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed or Desperate
By Harriet Lerner, Ph.D

This is a wonderful book that focuses on the healing effect of finding your own unique voice and speaking your own unique truth. Dr. Lerner helps you find this “authentic voice” and shows with example after example how it can help to heal marriages, families or friendships.

Dr. Lerner shows the benefits of being thoughtful and considerate of what you are saying before you blurt out something you don’t really mean. You are not necessarily speaking your own truth if you say the first thing that comes into your mind, she cautions. Her book is aimed at the relationships and connections between men and women and shows how to maximize the chances of getting a meaningful response based on how the other person responds.

This book offers very good examples of how to re-connect, even when there have been really horrific cut offs of not days but years, or when a family has a history of cut offs.

I have often recommended Harriet Lerner’s books in the past and will certainly recommend this one. Readers who liked her other books will love his one. I did.

REVIEW: Not "Just Friends"

2010-03-29T14:02:00.000-07:00

Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal
By Shirley P. Glass, Ph. D.

I am a clinical psychologist, a wife and mother. I have read many, many books on affairs and treated literally hundreds of couples recovering from the marital carnage of affairs. This book is the best. My clients involved in affairs find it the most helpful and so do other therapists. Nothing else even comes close. Her examples ring true. There are no false notes.

I suspected that since she hadn't experienced an affair, she would be judgmental. Not so. She has great empathy for each person in the triangle. She understands that some marriages won't make it, yet is clear that her values are pro-marriage.

She recognizes that many marriages emerge from affairs stronger than ever. This is the good stuff! Enjoy.

Secrets of the Happily Married

2008-06-15T12:15:00.000-07:00

Updated: 6/15/08

Secrets of the Happily Married

Carol Ummel Lindquist, Ph.D.

Happily Married with Kids.com

1. Spend 10 minutes a day uninterrupted talk time listening and looking into the eyes of your spouse every day.

2. If your spouse doesn’t want to talk spend 10 minutes doing exactly what they want to do.

3. Be curious not furious when faced with the unexpected.

4. Therapy is cheaper than divorce.

5. If you want to change your partner, go to therapy by yourself first.

6. Pick and plan your fights together (very carefully.)

7. Tell your partner they are attractive at least once a day. Be specific about something you really like.

8. Tell your spouse why you’d rather be married to them than the richest, most attractive person you both know.

9. Tell your spouse they are your gift from God.

10. Do one treat for your spouse every day…a backrub, a tender touch, a hug, an errand, a flower, a joke, a card, doing one of their regular chores.

11. Don’t criticize your spouse. Ask specifically for what you would like instead.

12. Brag about your spouse in front of others.

13. Don’t correct or embarrass your spouse in front of others.

14. If you would like your partner to change something, do not describe what they do that you hate. Tell them what you would appreciate or would like to see instead.

15. Make sure your spouse overhears you bragging about them.

16. Never criticize your in laws.

17. Listen sympathetically, if your partner criticizes either of his/her parents. Don’t join in.

18. Never compare your spouse or children to your in-laws except to praise them both.

19. Before you request a change from your partner, get an opinion from someone your trust and who likes your spouse.

20. Find something genuinely nice to say about your in-laws even if it is bland or idiotic.

21. Repeat as needed.

22. If your partner criticizes your parents act like you didn’t hear and forget it. Change the subject if it bothers you.

23. Call home everyday when you travel.

24. Hang out and socialize with other happily married people.

25. Make sure you spend 10-20 minutes doing just what your partner likes to do whether it is watching TV or just listening without interruption to your partner.

26. If you start thinking about an affair with someone else, tell your partner you are afraid your marriage is in trouble. It probably is.

27. If your partner has a really stupid idea, say “I’m not comfortable with that plan,” not, “That is a really stupid idea.”

28. Join groups or do activities that help you meet and make friends with other couples who are really happy in their marriages.

29. Never swear at your partner. Remember curious before furious.

30. Tell your partner if something they do scares or upsets you.

31. Never expect your partner to know what you want.

32. If your partner does surprise you with something you want, praise them extravagantly for being a sensitive, caring, romantic genius.

33. Try one new thing sexually each week, each month, or each year. Decide together how often.

34. If an argument is getting out of had, reschedule it. Make sure you follow up.

35. Take time to plan fun times together.

36. If you can’t talk about something now or it is going badly, reschedule it. Always follow upwhen you call a halt..

37. Frequently remind your partner of fun times you had together.

38. Spend time together just the two of you once a week at least,

39. Tell your partner regularly what pleases you about your marriage.

40. Don’t keep track of mistakes.

41. If your partner doesn’t regularly follow through with something promised, arrange logical consequences.

42. Instead of nagging, remind at a convenient time for action to occur. Or ask them what they would like to see happen, what their goal is, or how they think would be best for them to do it.

43. Remind your partner more often of the good times than you do of the bad.

44. If your partner wrecks the car, tell your partner they are much more important than a car.

45. If your partner drinks too much, don’t drink with them.

46. Generally, men expect negotiation, women expect cooperation. Don’t confuse the two. Learn how your partner thinks partnership works.

47. Don’t blame your partner for anything. Own your part of any problem.

48. If your partner does something obnoxious, first figure out how you encourage it.

49. Learn how to do a really good apology, including the part about how you will do it differently next time.

50. If you are turning into a boring couple take up a new hobby together.

51. When things are nuts, laugh about it together.

52. If you lose a lot of money, talk about how at least you decided together.

53. Have coffee, play good music and pay bills together once a month.

54. When you are frustrated, say you are frustrated instead of yelling.

55. If you have to yell, do it in the car on the way home by yourself.

56. If you are really upset with your partner, write yourself a letter about what happened and what you are upset about, then decide what to do.

57. If you can’t talk about things calmly, write a letter to your partner next. Then clean it up so it isn’t mean and insulting, but clear about your feelings.

58. If your partner gets upset, just listen if they don’t threaten or try to intimidate or call you names. Sometimes they will calm down. Take notes if you need help staying calm.

59. If your partner yells and is mean or rude or you can’t listen, tell them you really want to talk to them about this but you can’t concentrate when they shout and you really want to talk about it when they are calm..

60. Never threaten violence. If you feel threatened, get to a safe place and see a counselor.

61. If you feel like a martyr or that you are being used, you probably are letting that happen. Get counseling.

62. Tell your partner things that you admire about them that they do.

63. Never punish your partner by withholding sex.

64. Never have sex when you don’t feel like it. Tell your partner what you’re upset about. If you don’t know, find out.

65. If you have to reject your partner for sex more than three times in a row, sit down and talk about how it would work better for you.

66. If you can’t talk about something after three tries and come up with a plan, go to therapy.

67. When you are not mad discuss with your partner where and when you each feel best discussing a problem between you. Try it see if it works. Change it if is doesn’t

68. Always make changes tentatively and reevaluate in a week and see how you each like it.

69. Never expect that your partner will change in the way you expect.

70. Never expect you partner to change in ways that you want.

71. Expect your partner to change.
72. Expect that you will change in ways that you can’t imagine.